Meeting God In the Stages of Life: The Mid-Life Years

(Part 1)

In this sermon series we are looking at the different life stages we go through, and how faith in the Lord can help us. Today we will look at the middle age years. I have been taking a lot of kidding because of the ages that I have attached to the different life stages. It really is hard to know where to draw the line. For example, when does “mid-life” begin and end? At what point do we move from “middle age” to “old age”?

Some define the mid-life years as the 40-60 age span. For our discussion I will consider the mid-life years somewhere around ages 35-60.

In the book The Changing Family Life Cycle the authors describe the life cycle of families and the developmental tasks at each stage - including the mid-life years.

FAMILY LIFE CYCLE- MIDDLE YEARS

STAGE KEY PRINCIPLES CHANGES NEEDED
Families with adolescents Increasing flexibility of family boundaries to include children’s independence and grandparents frailties A. Shifting of parent/child relationships permit adolescent to move in and out of family system
B. Refocus on midlife marital and career issues

C. Beginning shift toward joint caring for older generation

Launching children and moving on Accepting a multitude of exits from and entries into the family system A. Renegotiation of marital system as a couple

B. Development of adult to adult relationships between grown children and their parents

C. Realignment of relationships to include in-laws& grandchildren

D. Dealing with disabilities and death of parents (grandparents)

In looking at this chart, however, we should keep in mind that there are fewer and fewer persons in traditional nuclear families today. Other configurations of families include those married without children, or those never married; those who are “single again” (separated, widowed, divorced), and those in a second or even third marriage. So, there is a lot happening within the 35-60 age group!

Again I want to thank those who completed the questionnaires that I made available prior to this sermon series. I received quite a number of responses from those in this age group. So many issues were raised by the respondents that I will spend two sermons talking about the mid-life years.

During the mid-life years our children are growing up and leaving home. Many middle-aged people still do have children at home, most likely teenagers. Since I covered the teen years in a previous sermon I will not say much about that now, other than to remind us that the parents’ task is to slowly back off so that their children can develop their own autonomy and independence. This is almost always an uneven process! It is sort of like a mother bird trying to teach her young ones to fly and leave the nest. There is fussing, commotion, and a lot of squawking until that little one finally flies on its own.

Eventually, our children leave the nest (at least, in most cases!). I once heard Christian author and educator Howard Hendricks talk about the time when the last of his children moved out of the house. He said he sang the Doxology! Well, I was certainly glad when our last child had grown up to the point where there were no more college tuition bills to pay – after about 11 straight years of that, including times when we had two of our children in college at the same time. But our children’s moving out has been a mixed bag for me. I can still remember the time I took our first son off to college at Bloomsburg, and that long and sad trip home without him. I felt very depressed. That same sadness was experienced when our other two children went off to college.

Some parents get stuck at this stage and cannot let go. There are some wonderful scenes in the film Father of the Bride, where Steve Martin plays the part of a dad who has great difficulty letting go of his daughter who is about to be married.

At this stage, a shift needs to take place in the parent-child relationship. It should move from being an up-down (parent-child) arrangement to a more equal (adult to adult) relationship. Parents need to let go. Where that is not happening, hopefully the adult child can say something like this to the parent: “I’ve grown up! I would really like to have a relationship where we can enjoy each other as two adults.” This transition may take time to come about. In some cases, if parents are unable to let go, it may never happen. But it is worth striving for.

Once the nest is empty and the children are gone, it can spell a time of great change!

For one thing, it can be a vulnerable time for a marriage. Many get divorced in their 40’s. Raising children and focusing on their activities can be the glue that keeps marriages together. When children leave home and it is just the husband and wife left, they may discover that the marriage itself has suffered from neglect: there is little romance left, or the couple have little in common, or conflicts and differences have been swept under the carpet and never been addressed.

It is so important not to neglect the marriage during the child-rearing years. While loving our children is very essential, some couples are too child-focused. Take time to keep romance alive. Invest in a baby-sitter. Go out on “dates” with your husband or wife. Work at communicating to each other how valued and needed your partner is. The best thing a mom can do for her children is to love their dad. The best thing a dad can do for his children is to love their mom.

When children are gone, it is a good time to renegotiate the marriage. Sit down and have a heart to heart talk. Be honest. Listen to each other. Ask things like: How is our marriage doing? What are strengths we have to build upon? What do we need from each other at this point in life? If you are really struggling it is well worth paying for a few counseling sessions to work through a new marriage “contract”.

A 60 year old couple were married a long time. One day they were walking on a beach when they spotted a bottle, picked it up, and a genie popped out. The genie said, “I will give each of you a one-time wish. Ask anything you want.” The woman immediately said, “I would love to spend the rest of my life with my husband living in a home by a beautiful lake, with millions of dollars to call our own, so we can enjoy life and enjoy each other.” Bingo! In an instant they were transported to a breathtaking lake, and stood out on the deck of a fabulous home with 2 Mercedes in the driveway. The genie turned to the lady and said, “Here you are. This is your home. You have all the money you will ever need in savings and investments. The two of you can enjoy the rest of your life together.” Then the genie turned to the man and said, “What is your one-time wish?” The man stuttered a bit and mumbled, “I’m almost embarrassed to ask for what I want.” “Come on,” the genie prodded. “What is it?” “No,”, the man said, “I’m really ashamed to say what I want.” Finally, however, the genie convinced the man. “OK”, he said, “I would like to be married to a woman 30 years younger.” Instantly he became 90 years old!

Well, maybe we think being married to someone different would be heaven on earth, but there are real long-term benefits from working to make our present marriage better! The Bible urges couples to invest in their marriage. Look at Ephesians, chapter 5. Now some may not like this text because it urges wives to submit to their husbands. It was a patriarchal society then and women had few rights. But verse 21 says there is to be mutual submission: men submit to women and women submit to men out of love. “Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Then there are these words: “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her…in the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hates his own body, but he nourishes and tenderly cares for it, just as Christ does for the church…each of you, however, should love his wife as himself, and a wife should respect her husband” (Ephesians 5:25,28-29,33).

When children leave home, it can also be a time when we do not feel needed anymore.

Our children are out of the house and Nancy and I have no grandchildren. I used to make fun of my dad for the way he babied their dachshund. Guess what? We have a miniature dachshund, and she has the run of the house! She sleeps in our bed and she’s called “Sweetie” and “Honey”! There is this nurturing instinct in us that makes us need to be needed!

In particular, this can be a problem for some women in mid-life, especially if the woman has invested her life heavily in her children. Maybe she didn’t get the attention she wanted from her husband, but she could tolerate this because her children made her feel needed. But now they are gone. Who needs her?

I will always remember a conversation I had with a woman in the first church I served. Her two boys were now grown and apparently her marriage was not that great. As we stood and talked on their little farm, she told me how she felt no one needed her anymore. She was employed in a hospital, and she said, “You know, different times I look at that syringe and think it would be so easy…..”.

A time like this, when we feel our family does not need us, can be a golden opportunity to reinvest ourselves in nurturing others. There are always people to be loved and nurtured. It might be volunteer work in the community. Churches are always looking for people willing to nurture others, whether it be teaching or helping in Sunday School or Vacation Bible School, visiting elderly persons, or whatever. God is looking for people willing to do this. I really believe if we pray, “Lord, I have a heart full of love to give, show me people I can love and nurture”, that God will do just that!

The mid-life years can also be a time when there is turmoil in our job or career. For women who have had no career outside the home, they may face the prospect of going back to work, without up-to-date skills that can make them employable. This can produce a lot of anxiety. It can also be a tough time for men. Many men are well settled in their job or career in mid-life, but with corporate mergers and cutbacks, men may be cut loose from jobs they have had for a long time. They have to start over.

Is God interested in us enough to provide a job for us when we are out of work? Does God care when we want to re-train and gain job skills so we can be employed? Of course! God knows we need to earn a living. God knows what we need! Philippians 4:19 says, “And my God shall supply every need of yours according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.”

Hopefully what is coming through in what I am saying is that the mid-life years can be a time of transition and change (but haven’t we found that in every stage so far!). Indeed, for some, mid-life is a time of starting over.

This is certainly true for those who go through a separation or divorce or are widowed. I can imagine that going through a divorce is one of the most painful experiences of life. I am not divorced. I don’t really know what it is like. I can only imagine the incredible amount of hurt, rejection, guilt, and loss of self-esteem that one might feel.

I believe that every divorce is a failure of the ideal for marriage that God intended. However, divorce is not an unpardonable sin. The important things are: Have I learned from it? Can I take responsibility for whatever I did that made for an unsuccessful marriage? Can I accept God’s forgiveness of the past and commit the rest of my life to Christ and His will?

If you are feeling kind of worthless or hopeless I have some words for you. They are found in Psalm 34. The writer begins with words of praise for God: “I will bless the Lord at all times, His praise shall continually be in my mouth” (verse 1). But this psalm writer had been through some sort of difficult experience. Verse 6 says, “This poor soul cried, and was heard by the Lord, and was saved from every trouble.” Then the writer goes on with these beautiful words, “When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears, and rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted, and saves the crushed in spirit” (verses 17-18). Are you broken hearted? Crushed in spirit? The Lord is near! The Lord saves those who are crushed in spirit.

Some of you have gone through a divorce, or are widowed, and now are remarried (or planning to marry again). There are many “blended families” today. Second marriages. Step-parents and step-children. Remember TV’s Brady Bunch? The show began with a peppy tune and smiling faces of the Brady Bunch. Is that what it is like to be in a blended family? Hardly! One of the most complicated and difficult things to pull off is to be in a blended family! Some of us from the church recently went to a seminar for those in blended families. The leader, Steve Treat, said that research indicates that if a couple can survive in a blended family for three years there is a good chance they will make it!

I cannot begin to talk about all the issues that come into play where there is a remarriage and step-children involved. Perhaps this is an area where our church needs to be more proactive – in helping blended families be successful. I want those of you in blended families to know that I do care about you. If there is anything I can do to give you encouragement and support please let me know!

We do not want to forget, too, that there are many middle-aged people who are single! Single people who have never married. Divorced or widowed persons who do not remarry. Perhaps you are happy and content in your singleness. Or maybe you are getting into your 40’s and 50’s and are hoping to find a partner. Maybe you sense that the clock is ticking and that time is running out for you.

We also should remember that many people make it through the mid-life years and do pretty well. Maybe you are one of these persons. You are married and have stayed married to the same person. You have gotten your children launched pretty well. Maybe you are single and you really are OK about being single. You may have a good job or a successful career. Perhaps you have a good income and are living comfortably. We ought not to forget to praise God for all of these things!

Here’s the thing: We can look on mid-life and its changes with anxiety and a sense of foreboding, or we can look on it as a great opportunity to grow and to change! Middle age can be a productive and fulfilling time. We can have more time to do things that we didn’t have time for when the children were at home. We can develop more intimacy with our spouse. We may have a little more financial freedom. There may be grandchildren to enjoy! The mid-life years can be a good period of life.

There are other important issues that come into play during the mid-life years. I want to speak to this in the next sermon.

Back to Archive Listing