Meeting God In the Stages of Life: The Mid-Life Years

(Part 2)

In this series of sermons we have been looking at the stages we go through in our life journey and the part that faith in the Lord can play at each stage. In the last sermon I talked about “middle age”, that period somewhere around 35-60 years of age. I want to spend another sermon thinking with you about just some of the many issues faced by those in mid-life.

This is a time when there are a number of exits from and entries into the family. If you have children, they may be moving out. But what usually happens then? They get engaged and get married. You kind of lose a child but gain a son-in-law or daughter-in-law, and their families. Sometimes these new entries into the family are not always welcomed with open arms! For instance, here is this guy that your daughter picked up somewhere. She wants to spend the rest of her life with him! You wonder, “What in the world does she see in him?” I once had a girl friend whose parents didn’t like me much. There was this scene in public where I had done something to displease her mother, and her mother said to me: “We were just starting to like you, and now this!” Here’s a question: How open is your family system to welcoming outsiders?
At some point grandchildren may enter the picture. Usually these entries into the family are very welcomed! How many of you just happen to have a picture of your grandchild or grandchildren with you? The transition to “grandparent-hood”, however, isn’t always a smooth road. Today, many grandparents are thrust into childcare responsibilities. Both parents may be working, so rather than put the child into daycare, grand-mom or even grand-dad may step in. Perhaps there has been a divorce, and the grandparents help out the single parent by watching the grandchildren.

This may work out fine, but it sometimes can cause friction and be difficult both for the grandparent and the grown son or daughter. Deep in their hearts the grandparents may think, “I raised my children. I don’t want to be expected to raise my son or daughter’s children too.” Or, the grandparents may come to that part of life, say in their 50’s, when they were hoping to have a little more money for themselves, and now their grown child needs financial help just to stay afloat.

What can be done in these situations? There is no easy answer. The important thing is whether or not the adults involved can talk about what’s happening. Communicate! Tell each other what each wants and needs and what each is willing to give. If there is not agreement on some things, work out compromises.

Another thing that can happen is that grandparents are not happy with the way their children are raising the grandchildren. The parents are too lenient, or too strict, or the grandparents are upset because the grandchildren are not being taken to church.

This can be a ticklish situation. There may be different ways to approach this problem. I tend to operate by the following rules of thumb:

The primary responsibility of parenting belongs to parents, not grandparents. Grandparents trying to take charge can create discord in the family and confuse the child.

Grandparents have a right to express their views - without coming on as overbearing.

Perhaps what is most important in the long run is that grandparents show love to their children, and try to be the best parent and grandparent they can be, while at the same time praying that God will touch the son or daughter’s heart and their own heart to work out His will within the situation.

In the previous sermon I talked a bit about remarriage and blended families. When this happens there are certainly exits from and new entries into one’s family.

If you are divorced, you no longer have the same relationship you had with your ex-spouse and his or her family. You have to adjust to a new husband or wife and their families. Step-children may have entered your home. This can get really interesting.

Our son Kraig has a friend named Tim. Tim grew up as an only child. His parents divorced when he was just about finishing high school and starting college. Tim’s mom and dad both remarried and now have 3 children. So, you have this 20 year old exiting out of the family and new babies entering (six step brothers and sisters). Tim’s parents have to juggle two life stages at the same time! It is possible for some today to have a grandchild the same age as their new child by a second or third marriage.

The Bible does not give specific directions on how middle aged people should work through these exits from and entries into their families. The Bible does say something, however, that applies: it says that we are to love one another. We are to love with a love that reaches out to and cares about people we may not like, a love that forgives and is willing to overlook others’ faults.

There are many verses about love in the Bible. 1 Corinthians, chapter 13, is one of the better known Scriptures describing the qualities of love. As we read these verses think how they apply to our showing love to our son or daughter’s present or future spouse, whom we may not like, or to our step-sister or step-brother or step-child who is not one of our family, or our son or daughter living a lifestyle and raising our grandchildren in a way that irritates us or perhaps breaks our heart. "Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7).

So, the mid-life years are times when some are moving out of our family and others are moving into our family. Healthy people and healthy families are flexible enough to make these transitions.

One of the changes that can take place in the middle years has to do with what is happening to our own parents. Many of us lose a father or mother during our mid-life years. I was about 43 years old when my father died. For some, it can be one of those important “markers” in life when both of our parents are gone, and we move up a notch to become the oldest generation in our family.

Others of us have parents who are still living, but perhaps their health is failing. They might have Alzheimer’s disease. They are becoming more dependent. Maybe we are trying to get them to give up driving or go into a nursing home and they are resisting.

Middle aged people truly are the “sandwich generation”, often worrying about their children and also their elderly parents. These issues with our aging parents can generation quite an array of mixed feelings and create tension within the family when it comes to deciding who should care for elderly parents.

Also during the mid-life years we notice that we ourselves are starting to show signs of aging! Physiological changes are taking place! We may have thought we were done growing, but we are surprised by another spurt of growth - horizontally! Strange things begin to happen to our body. It may be a little harder to get out of bed after we have spent the previous day weeding our flowerbeds or house cleaning. We are getting more acquainted with this guy called “Ben-gay”. We may find that we have less stamina then we did when we were younger. Some parts of us sag - I won’t go into detail here!
Our hair has a way of turning into a lovely shade of gray, unless we team with our beautician for a different outcome. I still cannot figure out why my own hair looks brown when I am combing it in front of the mirror, but when it is being cut off at the barber shop it looks like gray stubble. Some of our hair disappears. Actually, I think it just kind of loses its way. Hair starts growing out of weird places instead of where it is supposed to be - in the nose, out the ear, or above our eyes in bushy eyebrows. I sometimes think that if we let our nose hairs and ear hair grow long enough we could just fluff it over the top of our head and nobody would realize we are almost bald.
Sexually, changes are taking place. While sexual desire may still be strong, there may be some changes in the physical part of lovemaking (e.g. men may find it more difficult to get an erection once they hit their 50’s). However, the quality of a couple’s sex life in middle age depends on many more factors than just biological or physiological ones.

The slow diminishing of our physical strength and stamina are reminders that time is moving on. The clock is ticking, and we will not live forever. This brings me to the last thing I want to say about the mid-life years. It has to do with the loss of “the dream”, and trying to find meaning in life.

Most of us, early in life, develop a “dream”. It may be a dream of getting married and having children and having a wonderful family. The dream may be that of achieving success in our job or career. It may be making enough money that we can be comfortable and enjoy some of the extra things in life.

When we are young, there are a lot of doors that are open to the pursuit of our dream. As we get older we begin to come up against more of our own limitations and more of life’s limitations.

Our oldest son Kurt graduated from college with a degree in Criminal Justice. He had a part-time instructor who also was employed in the business world in the field of security. He had convinced my son that after graduation, Kurt could quickly rise to the top in that field and make a lot of money. When Kurt graduated, he got a job in a hospital in Philadelphia, working the night shift as a security officer. Shortly after he got employed there the hospital announced that it was downsizing the work force. Chances for advancement were slim to none. This was our son’s introduction to the real world and the limitations it can sometimes place upon us. That’s what can happen when our dreams touch down on the runway of real life! The older we get the more we may realize that we have fewer options left.

So, the mid-life years can be a time when we grieve the lost “dream”. We are single and our hopes of getting married and having a family are slowly going down the drain; we were married, but that came apart; or, we are still married, but it seems like our marriage will never be what we longed for it to be; we are in mid-life and we realize we are never going to become the president of the company, we’re not even going to be a supervisor.

It is at this point that many people really question the meaning life. Is this all there is? What is my purpose in life? Actually, sometimes even those who have achieved their life goals and reach the top ask the same questions: Is this all there is? What’s my purpose in life?

In Psalm 90, the writer longs for meaning in life. He comments on how brief life is, then he goes on: “So teach us to count our days, that we may gain a wise heart…let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and prosper for us the work of our hands – O prosper the work of our hands!” (Psalm 90:12,17). He wants God to bless what he does. He prays that what he does will have meaning and purpose.

May I say just a couple things about the loss of the “dream” and the search for meaning in life. First, the mid-life years can be a time when dreams can be reborn! How many people have launched a new career or started a new adventure in middle age!

Often around graduation time in the spring there may be a photo in the newspaper of a mother graduating from college at the same time as her son or daughter. A mother raised her children then went back to school to fulfill a life’s dream! I have heard stories of older women who have taken up flying lessons and fulfilled a lifelong dream of getting a pilot’s license. Wasn’t it Colonel Sanders, the chicken man, who started Kentucky Fried Chicken franchises after he had retired from his regular job. Many people today are entering the ordained ministry as second career people!

You’re in the middle age years? I have news for you: You’re not dead yet! I think if we love the Lord and trust the Lord, and our dreams are wholesome and in line with His will, God wants us to step out and do some fantastic things in the middle age years of our life! The mid-life years can be a time when dreams are reborn!

Finally, this thought: life’s meaning can only be found in the spiritual realities. Ultimate meaning is not found in having a great job or having lots of things. It is found in having a relationship with God and loving relationships with people. I have a friend, Dave Unangst, who is pastor at Long Memorial Untied Methodist Church in Neffsville. Some months ago Dave was diagnosed with cancer. He has gotten chemotherapy and radiation treatments and is soon scheduled for surgery. His prognosis is good. Recently, I had lunch with Dave. During our conversation, I looked across the table at him and said, “What have you learned from your illness?” His reply was: “I’ve learned that some of the things I thought were important in life really are not important. The important things are relationships.” Relationships! A relationship with God and loving relationships with people are what gives life meaning. The Bible says that it is only when we come to Jesus and have a relationship with Jesus that we find the way, the truth, and the life.

I want to close this sermon by looking at a couple of verses in Titus, chapter 2. Instructions are given to “older men” and “older women”. Since the life expectancy in those days was shorter, “older” women and men would be comparable to middle-aged people today. Titus 2:2 is spoken to the older men. “Tell the older men to be temperate, serious, prudent, and sound in faith, in love, and in endurance.”

The first three words, “temperate, serious, prudent” describe one who is self-controlled, who realizes that all of life is lived in the light of eternity and before God. Next, it says the older men are to be sound in “faith, in love, and in endurance.” In other words, by the mid-life years, one should have moved beyond the recklessness and instability that sometimes characterizes younger persons. Older men should have a wisdom and spiritual maturity about them.

The next verse addresses older women. “Likewise, tell the older women to be reverent in behavior, not to be slanderers or slaves to drink; they are to teach what is good, so that they may encourage the younger women” (Titus 2:3-4). Older women are to be reverent in behavior, and they are to set an example for younger women.

Do we get the point here? Older men and women are challenged to be spiritual, and to have spiritual maturity. When we pay attention to the spiritual side of life and value that highly, then our life will have meaning.

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