"Stepfamilies"

We hear a lot today about "family values". Certainly the family is important! But when we talk about “family”, many of us probably envision what’s called the “nuclear family”, which is a married couple with children under 18. In the 1996 U.S. census, however, only 1 out of every 4 families was a nuclear family! Today, that percentage is probably less!

There are all types of families. One of them is stepfamilies. Stepfamilies are formed when there is the death of a spouse or a divorce, and persons remarry, and one or both have children from a previous marriage. Or, a stepfamily is formed when someone who has never married is wed to a husband or wife with a child or children.

Many couples are living together today, often with children from a previous marriage. Although this would not technically be a “stepfamily”, the same dynamics apply.

The church, by and large, has ignored the uniqueness of stepfamilies. We tend to lump all families together. We assume that when we address the needs of families we are including the needs of stepfamilies. That’s a wrong assumption! Stepfamilies are different!

I confess that in my preaching I have virtually ignored the special needs and interests of stepfamilies. So, this sermon will take a look at stepfamilies. Much of this sermon is based on the book The Smart Stepfamily, by Ron Deal. I recommend this book for anyone living in a stepfamily or considering remarriage. You might also want to buy the book and give it to someone involved in a stepfamily, or to someone thinking of remarriage. The book is available in our church’s bookstore.

How common are stepfamilies? One out of 3 Americans is now involved in a stepfamily, and more than half of Americans living today will live in at least one step-situation during their lifetime! It’s estimated that by the year 2010 there will be more stepfamilies in the U.S. than any other type of family! Someone has said: "There was a time in America when parents had lots of children; today we say children have lots of parents."

Becoming a harmonious and functional family is not easy for any family, but it’s even more difficult for stepfamilies. People remarrying and forming stepfamilies usually go into it thinking: “This new marriage is going to free me from the pain I felt in my divorce or in the death of my spouse. It will make up for the losses in my life (and my children’s lives. This will be a fresh start. Things are going to be so much better the 2nd time around (or the 3rd time around)”. Unfortunately, it is not unusual for these hopes to be dashed soon after the remarriage. In fact, some disillusionment is almost predictable. We might have this image of stepfamilies represented by The Brady Bunch. You know, happy household with smiling kids. This may work for TV and movies, but not real life!

Ron Deal, in The Smart Stepfamily, lists some myths and unrealistic expectations of stepfamilies. One of them is: Love will happen instantly between all family members. Not true! Putting unrelated people in the same house does not mean they’re going to love and care for each other. In fact, if you try to force this, the exact opposite will probably happen. The reality is: Love may or may not develop over time. Loving the members of my stepfamily, in the sense of a deep family bond, may occur, or it may never develop.

Another myth is: Everything will fall into place quickly. Wanna bet! In 1998, James Bray published research findings from a ten-year longitudinal study of stepfamilies in the United States. He concluded that stepfamilies don't begin to think or act like a family until the end of the second or third year. E. Marvis Hetherington, in her book For Better Or Worse: Divorce Reconsidered, says it takes most couples 5-7 years to get through the tensions of stepfamily life so that the stress level declines to match that of a husband and wife in their first marriage.

Patricia Papernow says it takes the average stepfamily 7 years to integrate sufficiently to experience intimacy and authenticity in step relationships. Fast families can accomplish this in 4 years if children are young and parents are intentional about bringing the family together. Slow families can take as long as 9 or more years! The difficulty of establishing healthy stepfamilies is reflected in the divorce rates for second and third marriages. The divorce rate for 1st time marriages has actually begun to drop. It is estimated that 42-45% of first time marriages will end in divorce. But, the divorce rate among remarried partners seems to be remaining the same: 60-65% of them end in divorce (most within 5 years). And, the divorce rate in remarriages with children is 50% higher than if there are no children. So, it’s a myth to think that everything will fall into place quickly.

Still another myth is this: Our children will feel as happy about the marriage as we do.
Stepfamilies are born out of loss, whether the loss is divorce, the death of a parent, or an out-of-wedlock pregnancy where one of the parents is living elsewhere. Parents ache when they watch their children experience these losses, and are hopeful that when they remarry, this new family will fill the holes left in their children's lives. But, the remarriage can be yet another loss for the children. Most children want their dead parent alive, or wish for their biological parents to be back together again. They’re not interested in a replacement adult.

Mike and Jean Elliott are members of this church, and they have graciously offered to share some of their experiences as stepparents. (play videotaped testimony) With all of the obstacles stepfamilies have to face, we may wonder if stepfamilies ever make it, let alone find happiness! Well, they do!

One important thing to remember is that to have a healthy, happy stepfamily, it’s not a matter of working harder, but working smarter. You can’t just take the principles that
work in a nuclear family and work them harder in a stepfamily. There are different rules of the game!

For example, here are some pointers for stepparents. Ineffective stepparents make becoming an insider their goal; effective stepparents enjoy the relationship they have now.
It is one thing to find ways to get along with or to be respected by stepchildren. It is another thing to expect stepchildren to want you in their innermost family circle.

We often use the term "blended families". Ron Deal, in his book, says that stepfamilies really don't blend! Biological parents and their children will almost always have a stronger bond than stepparents and stepchildren. Ron Deal uses the image of a “crock pot” to describe the goal of stepfamilies. In crock pot cooking, you put the various ingredients into the pot, then turn it on at low heat, giving it time to cook. Each ingredient is left intact, and eventually as juices flow, the desirable qualities of each ingredient are added to the taste. The key here is: time, and low heat! You can’t force stepfamily relationships

For instance, a cardinal rule for a stepparent is to let the children set the pace for their relationship with you. Researcher James Bray discovered that most stepchildren in the early years of stepfamily life view the stepparent like a coach or camp counselor – someone with limited authority, someone who provides instruction, but not a “parent”.

Stepparents should not rush into a parenting role! Eventually, some stepparents will gain “parental” status with some stepchildren!

In a similar vein, ineffective stepparents attempt punishment before having relationship; effective stepparents gradually move into disciplinary roles.

Another hint for stepparents is this: Ineffective stepparents try to replace the non-custodial biological parent; effective stepparents encourage stepchildren to maintain contact with non-custodial parents. Healthy stepparents not only respect a child’s right and desire to love and be with his or her biological parent; they encourage such a relationship. Effective stepparents see themselves as an additional adult parent-figure rather than as a replacement parent.

This brings up the subject of co-parenting, where you may have to share the parenting role with your ex-spouse. This can often be extremely difficult, and many issues surface around this. Someone has said, “Divorce doesn’t end family life, it reorganizes it.”

One of the most difficult things in the world to do may be having to share the parenting role with an ex-spouse whom you can’t stand! But, hear this: It’s all about the children! You must cooperate for the sake of the children! Research clearly confirms that children can adjust to the end of their parent’s marriage and do reasonably well if: (1) parents are able to bring marriage to an end without excessive conflict; (2) children are not put into the middle of whatever conflicts exist; (3) there is commitment from parents to cooperate on issues of the children’s welfare. The bottom line is: Children need parents to work together whether those parents are married, divorced or married to other people!

So much more could be said. For instance, I’ve not even mentioned step-grandparents and their roles, or that of extended family members in stepfamilies. I’ve just presented a sampling of practical pointers. I recommend that you read the book I have suggested.

Up to this point I have not mentioned the Bible at all. What does Scripture say about stepfamilies? The answer to that question is: practically nothing (if we are looking for words directly relating to the dynamics of stepfamily relationships).

For instance, Scripture lays down the foundation for starting a marriage and family. Genesis 2:24 says, “Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to
his wife, and they become one flesh.” Here it says that a man and a woman begin marriage by emotionally separating from their parents and cleaving to each other to establish a new family. Thus, the marriage relationship is established before children are born.

Most stepparents don’t have this initial time to bond without children. They begin their
marriage with children (their own, or their partner’s, or both). Often a couple’s
romantic relationship gets lost in the stepfamily dynamics. To be child-focused to the neglect of the marriage is not good either for the parents or the children.

So, in a way, beginning a stepfamily means starting from a different place than the ideal spoken about in the Bible’s creation story.

Perhaps the closest we get in the Bible to what modern stepfamilies experience are those Old Testament stories where some of the patriarchs had more than one wife - for instance, the account of Abraham and his wife Sarah and their son Isaac, and Abraham’s other wife Hagar and their child Ishmael. Genesis, chapter 21, describes some of the conflict that developed over this family arrangement. Sarah was miffed at Hagar because their two children were playing together. Perhaps that has some of the same feel to it as a stepfamily today where stepchildren can’t get along, or when a parent is caught in the middle of a difference between a spouse and a stepchild. At least there might be some consolation for us in knowing that even in Bible times, families had issues to work through!

Even though there may not be specific Scriptures that relate directly to stepfamilies, there are many, many Scriptures that tell us how to act in our human relationships, Scriptures that apply also to how we treat the members of our stepfamilies.

For example, Colossians 3:12-13 says, “As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and, if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive.” These are pertinent words for stepfamilies!
And how about these words from 1 Corinthians 13, that great love poem in the Bible:

“Love is patient; love is kind; love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth” (1 Corinthians 13:4-6). That has something to say about how we treat the members of our stepfamily!

Sometimes, when things don’t go well in a remarriage, and there are problems in our stepfamilies, we may feel guilt and alienation from God. We think, “Oh, I failed again!”, or “I thought God brought this new partner into my life, and I was so thankful, but now look at the mess we’re in!”

Just because you may have a lot of adjustment problems, and may feel a letdown, guilty feeling, doesn’t mean God has forsaken you. God cares about stepfamilies. God cares about you!

The church, too, can do more to address the special needs presented by stepfamilies. For instance, I would love to see at least one small group in this church just for stepfamilies, where there can be mutual sharing, encouragement and support.

There is hope for stepfamilies. With God’s help, you can make it!

Listen again to Mike and Jean Elliott, as they share some of the blessing that they’ve found in their new family. (play videotaped testimony)

Harry L. Kaufhold, Jr.
Preached at Lititz United Methodist Church, October 23, 2005

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